


What?!

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [209]
Category: NTverse, nonfandom
Genre: Atheist Comedy, Crack, M/M, Offensive, everything is wrong, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-18 11:10:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15484467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: A holy flame war goes very wrong due to everyone involved constantly getting completely off topic... and because God keeps kicking everyone?





	What?!

**Author's Note:**

> If you are even remotely Christian, there’s a 99.9% chance this will offend you.  
> If you, like me, just see God and the angels as fictional characters who can be twisted around a bit and you don’t mind me doing so with religious figures, then you should hopefully be okay with this.
> 
> Guide to Names:
> 
> LadyLuci666- Lucifer, who is inexplicably female.  
> GabeTheBabe578- Gabriel  
> MetaphysicalTrontastic- Metatron, one of my personal favourite angel names.  
> Phanuel- Phanuel. Obviously.  
> Raphael~- Raphael. Obviously.  
> UriLikesYuri- Uriel  
> DaddyBigBoss69- Yahweh/God  
> IKEA- ...?

Once a century, the kingdoms of Heaven and Hell join together for one of the greatest wars of all history. It is a clash of fire and ice, water and lava, death and life, peace and love-um, hatred, all that spicy shit.

It is: a **FLAME WAR**.

 

 **LadyLuci666:** anyone know if yahweh’s on yet?  
**GabeTheBabe578:** hold on, he’s finishing up some ‘work’  
**Raphael~:** dw, michael’s the fastest flier in heaven. he’ll be done pretty quick.  
**LadyLuci666:** we’re not talking about michael???  
**Raphael~:** oh. yeah, sorry, i didn’t read the message properly. yahweh’s god, so ofc he’s a quick worker. he’ll be on in no time~  
**UriLikesYuri:** Raphael you fucking idiot...  
**Raphael~:** eh?! why??????!!!!!!!,  
**LadyLuci666:** Wait! Guys, seriously! Why did Raph mention my brother?!  
**GabeTheBabe578:** there it is... -.-  
**UriLikesYuri:** oh, god...  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** that was louder than usual xd  
**Phanuel:** I want to die.  
**GabeTheBabe578:** hOlY sHiT phan is capable of disliking something Yahweh does?  
**Phanuel:** Although you’re not wrong, I wasn’t referring to him.  
**Raphael~:** The Lord or Michael?  
**IKEA:** Whatever you’re talking about, you should stop right now.  
**LadyLuci666:** SOMEONE EXPLAIN  
**IKEA:** Please ignore them.  
**UriLikesYuri:** who the fuck is ikea?  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** ooh, is it azazel? the guy has great taste in memes  
**LadyLuci666:** No, I’m the only ‘demon’ online today. You know, because we actually do _work_ down in Hell instead of ‘work’?  
**UriLikesYuri:** burn  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** As if torturing souls counts as work! lol  
**IKEA:** what took you so long?  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** oh, you know, this and that... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
**LadyLuci666:** Yahweh, what the actual _fuck_ have you been doing to my brother?  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** fuck  
**GabeTheBabe579:** that was the answer, wasn’t it?  
**UriLikesYuri:** agreeing with phan on this one  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** I’m already writing fanfiction about it!  
**IKEA:** guys no.  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! Why the fuck would I be doing _that_ to my own right hand? Also, NO SWEARING ON MY CHRISTIAN GROUP CHAT  
**LadyLuci666:** I’m literally Satan. You’re calling me a Christian?  
**IKEA:** Can we start the war now please?  
**LadyLuci66:** Michael, you’d tell me if you and yahweh were together wouldn’t you?  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** WHAT THE FUCK  
**Raphael~:** ikr?  
**UriLikesYuri:** called it bitches  
**Phanuel:** why tho  
**GabeTheBabe578:** phan, you’re raising some excellent points today.  
**LadyLuci666:** why are you all surprised all of a sudden? you’ve been implying that since the chat started!  
**DaddyBigBoss69** WHY THE FUCC U LYING  
**GabeTheBabe578:** oh yeah, we’ve all known about _that_ since after The Fall. We’re talking about IKEA being Michael.  
**LadyLuci666:** WHAT?  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** calm down jeez  
**LadyLuci666:** How did you not figure that out?  
**IKEA:** yeah... i couldn’t think of a clever username/innuendo, so i just named myself after something i really like.  
**GabeTheBabe578:** and that something was ikea?  
**IKEA:** yep. I like sheep too~  
**UriLikesYuri:** we’ve finally found someone weirder than Raphael.  
**Raphael~:** hey! I’m not weird!  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** WAR START NOW  
**LadyLuci666:** okay, lemme throw some bible verses at you real quick. Isaiah 45:7 and Genesis 38. The entire book of Job. Soddom and Gomorrah. The Flood.  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** Those aren’t all verses.  
**LadyLuci666:** No, but they are evidence of your bullshit as an ‘omnibenevolent, all forgiving, amazing God’.  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** oh snap, she got u there.  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** ENOCH DO YOU WANT TO BE SENT TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG YOU LITTLE SHIT!  
**GabeTheBabe578:** ?*, not !  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** FUCK OFF GABE  
**GabeTheBabe578:** I’m sure you’d like that ;-)  
**IKEA:** that’s pretty kinky  
**GabeTheBabe578:** jealous?  
**IKEA:** not at all.  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** MICHAEL WHY THE FUCK NOT  
**GabeTheBabe578:** ?*  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** AJDJDODOEJDNFJFOEPA

**_GabeTheBabe578_ was removed from the chat**

**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** Damn son.  
**Raphael~:** Now who’s digging themselves into a grave?  
**UriLikesYuri:** raph, elysium.  
**Raphael~:** what? O.o  
**UriLikesYuri:** shit autocorrect  
**UriLikesYuri:** I’ll tell you later.  
**Raphael~:** eyebrows, butthole mouth.  
**IKEA:** was that a reference?  
**Raphael~:** Yep! That human you have a crush on showed me~  
**LadyLuci666:** THERE IS ANOTHER?!  
**IKEA:** NO  
**IKEA:** THERE ISN’T EVEN ONE

**_IKEA_ was removed from the chat**

**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** The plot thickens...  
**UriLikesYuri:** Yahweh the fuck?  
**MetaphysicalTrontastic:** oh shit he got kicked?!  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** FUCK YOU ALL THIS WAS A STUPID IDEA I WIN THE FLAME WAR ALL OF YOU ROT IN HELL AKSJDJFIRO  
**LadyLuci666:** On the account that Yahweh never actually fought back, can we all just agree I won this century’s war?  
...  
..  
.  
**_MetaphysicalTrontastic_ was removed from the chat**  
**_UriLikesYuri_ was removed from the chat**  
**_Raphael~_ was removed from the chat**  
**_Phanuel_ was removed from the chat**

 **DaddyBigBoss69:** fuck you luci, I win because I’m not in Hell.  
**LadyLuci666:** yeah, how bout no?  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** you know what those idiots were arguing about at the start of the chat?  
**LadyLuci666:** as I said ^^^

**_LadyLuci666_ left**

**DaddyBigBoss69:** HA!!!!! I WIN MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** ...  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** ..  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** .  
**DaddyBigBoss69:** fuck

**_DaddyBigBoss69_ left**

.

**Author's Note:**

> The worst part is I’m not even sorry.
> 
> IKEA- Michael, who is and always will be my favourite angel.
> 
> I stole Gabe and Yahweh’s usernames from a fanfic of a similar nature I wrote a few years ago on Quotev. I was more cautious back then and didn’t post it, instead saving it as a draft. I guess now I couldn’t care less about my reputation? Or maybe it’s because I’m more stupid now~ 
> 
> As a side note, Michael also had a username in the other fanfic but I changed it here because it was too risqué.
> 
> Prompt- God and Satan in a flame war. 
> 
> Original Number- 172
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (((((by the way, the ‘elysium’ thing came from the acronym ‘ilysm’ which could be pronounced in a similar way if read as it’s spelt. it comes from me shipping Raph and Uri despite the brilliant ‘I, Lucifer’ by ~~Declan Gunn~~ Glen Duncan making me very vehemently ship Raph and Luci)))))


End file.
